Dock Rules by Steven McDermott

 

From: Crab Creek Marina Board of Directors

To: Crab Creek Marina Association Members and Tenants

Subject: New Dock Rules

 

Greetings fellow boaters! Your Board of Directors is pleased to announce new Dock Rules for our marina. You complained—and we listened!!

 

DOCK RULES

 

  1. Graffiti: Just a reminder that dock boxes must be painted with graffiti. If you leave yours plain, the Association will send out a tagging crew—at your expense.
  2. Boomboxes: All boomboxes must be played at night. Respect your neighbors sleep habits and keep those wattages cranked—it drowns out the tinnitus.
  3. Smoking: Our marina is absolutely not a smoke free zone. It is always 5PM somewhere so keep those bongs gurgling!
  4. Pumpout: Be considerate to our Dungeness Crab population—after all, they are the namesake of our marina—and only pump out your holding tanks in the crabbing grounds.
  5. Leash Law: Don’t. Owners who leash their dogs will find themselves put on a leash.
  6. Bong Water: Don’t drink it. Don’t let your friends drink it. Don’t let your pets drink it. Customs agents on the other hand…
  7. Window Panes: Sunday is all you can drop acid day.
  8. Keg Maintenance: Keep those taps and lines clean. Dockside kegs are a privilege not a right.
  9. Spirituality: Tuesday and Wednesday are E-Days. You have to drop one for each “e.” For those of you who failed English or Math: that’s one on Tuesday and two on Wednesday. This year’s Fleet Water Captain is Jakey-Jake and he’ll be delivering your bottled water rations on Monday evenings.
  10. Prohibited Music: Anyone caught playing Christopher Cross’ “sailing” will be keel hauled.

 

We have a new Sheriff in Town!! Mistress Amphitrite—this year’s Rear Admiral—is responsible for enforcing these dock rules and levying fines. Repeat offenders will be subject to punishment aboard her 52’ Greek Trawler: “Dom’s Pleasure Palace.”

 

HAPPY BOATING!!!

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